Coming of the end and the beginning

It has been a year since I started down this new road. It has been a huge learning journey but it has been tough. This job doesn't allow for mistakes, if one is made, it has many ramifications down the road and it would affect many students. Needless to say, I'm stressed out. I've gone on numberous vacations this year to try to regain my composure and sanity, but it hasn't been very successful. I didn't know why at first, but after a couple of very enjoyable vacations... I was still left feeling stressed out. It was strange, it was nothing like going off on vacation as a teacher. I felt really reenergised on those vacations. Then it dawned on me, as an educator, when I went on my vacations, I had safely completed everything I needed to do. I could completely forget about work and just focus on having a great time, nothing would come back to haunt me because everything had been cleared and completed. But now in this job, nothing ever ends! Every project continues year after year, it doesn't help that planning takes such a toll because we aren't just dealing with the present year, but we are constantly examining several years down the road. So when I go off on vacation, the work just keeps coming in. Sure some colleagues can take over some aspects of my job, but the nature of the work requires specialisation which means that for most of the work, you have to come back and deal with it yourself. So while I go on vacation and can safely say that I've covered all bases, many things could happen which would require urgent attention which has come about by educators' misunderstanding of instructions, all changes to policy which require instructions and procedures to be reexamined and revised. It's no joke, it may not be life threatening like a doctor, but it is life threatening in the sense that if I make a mistake presently, it could have major life-changing effects for thousands of students in years to come.

Well, I've coped all right for a year. My bosses say that the first year is the hardest and I've been commended for a good job done so far. But I'm not so sure, I can't say I'm passionate about this job. I enjoy the personal touch, I like the idea of looking at people in the eye and talking to them. All I seem to do is email and set instructions, sure I consult and build in suggestions from educators, but these come in via the email. Perhaps its the teacher in me, I enjoy discussing things with people one on one. This is an important aspect of a job for me, I had hoped to be able to effect greater change to how art can be assessed in this country and while I've found that the system is already extremely lean and effective with a good dose of consultation with the ground. I miss being more involved with educators and students. I seem to have managed to bring some positive elements to the organisation and I'm truly grateful for the positive feedback from many teachers. But I think I've come to the end of the road and a fork a head of me will have me choose which direction I'll take. I've considered staying on and making a place for myself but the nature of the job is heavily inclined towards administrative work. While I've found myself to be able to cope, I don't seem to be enjoying it. Lord knows I can't even relax when I try to get away from it.

So the decision has been made, when I come to the fork, I will take the road which veers off in a whole new direction. I'm going back to education but I won't be teaching. I'll be going back as a learner, a researcher, a student to help students. I've finalised my idea for my research and I've now to write it out as a proposal. So it's back to school and more work with educators but I'll be going into the classroom to gather my research. It brings a smile to my face to think about this and I'm so looking forward to this. It has been a huge learning journey and I'm thankful I've had the opportunity to see how the whole system works. So many different levels and so many considerations to make before any draft can be drawn much less implementing something in school for teachers and students. I appreciate the system so much more, I complain less and I'm assured that everyone is trying to make things better all the time, nothing is ignored and when a question is raised even by a student, it is being answered. So I'm happy and enlightened. I'm now off to fight at the frontlines again. It's simply more fun at this level! I'll leave the big plans for those who enjoy that aspect of the job.